Losing Focus

God is so good. I am so wretched.

There are so many times that I reflect back on my life and I stand amazed at how God has changed me. I have become the man I once despised and I now despise the man I once was. Obviously I haven't "arrived" or become the man God has called me to be yet. But I have experienced amazing progress in terms of attitude, perspective, patience, and just an overall softer heart over the last seven years. There is more joy, peace and contentment in my life now than ever. I have had some slumps and setbacks throughout my spiritual journey, but I have felt that my spiritual growth has been consistent although sometimes slow. My opinion changed quickly yesterday.

I came face to face with someone "special" in my life. A person who has caused me deep pain through lies, theft, deception, mockery, and the greatest form of disrespect I have ever experienced. When eye contact was made the "old man" in me was taking over my mind, heart, and soul. I had the deepest, darkest, horrible thoughts swirling in my mind. My heart was full of hatred, anger, rage, bitterness, resentment, revenge. As I stared into this persons eyes I knew Jesus was staring into my heart. But I chose to reject Him and focus on my enemy. Actually I was really focusing on myself. I was totally self-centered, selfish and allowing the "real" enemy a foothold. I was replaying the videos of the past and of all the pain and destruction they had caused. I allowed it to consume my mind, to penetrate my heart and quench The Spirit. I thought of how I was wronged and how I was the victim. I failed the test.

It was only 3 weeks prior when I stood in front of the congregation at our church and proclaimed the words of Jesus in Luke 9:23 - If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. I failed horribly at the very words I proclaimed. I didn't deny myself. I exalted myself. I didn't pick up my cross, I was nailing this person to it. Not the kind of thoughts or reactions expected from someone spiritually mature. I firmly believe this was all orchestrated by God. This was not an accident. It was a measuring stick to see where I am on my journey. Difficult and stressful situations always reveal who I really am. There is still some nasty stuff buried in my heart, soul, and spirit. God needed to reveal these to me. I have much dying to do. I must decrease He must increase. It's easy to talk about but a little more difficult to live out. The power is mine, it's just surrendering my will for His.

It all boiled down to losing my focus. God was pushed aside in this instance and I placed myself on the throne. It was all about me. If I had remained focused on Christ and what he had done for me a spirit of humility and forgiveness would have been the focus. I'm certain that all the pain inflicted on me by this person is merely a fraction of the pain that I personally inflicted on Christ. Yet He has forgiven me. Forgiveness is so easily received but so hard to give. I am confident I will pass this test the next time. Maybe not an A+ but I will pass. (Matthew 6:14-15...ouch)

In looking back God did reveal his Spirit within me by the fact he gave me the self-control to not act out on my fleshly feelings and emotions. Celebrate the victories and learn from the defeats. Praise God.