The Handsome One & The College Graduate

These two are the greatest earthly gifts God has given me. (My wife was born first so I would think He created me as a gift for her. Ha!)

They have taught me more than I ever taught them. Their opinion of me matters more than any other. When they say, "I love you Dad" it hits a spot in my soul that no one else could reach. Their words carry weight. I want them to be proud of their Dad. I want them to respect, admire, trust, and love me. The problem lies in the fact I didn't give them many reasons to feel these ways when they were growing up. I see the pain I caused in their lives as children and young adults. I've asked for forgiveness and they have given it, although I don't know if I can ever totally forgive myself. Unfortunately the scars will always remain. The scars in their lives and the scars in mine. Healing takes time and it's sometimes painful. How much is healed and how much remains I don't know. God is in charge of that. I believe He uses many people and situations in our lives to heal us.

God has used my children to continue to heal me. The very people I hurt using my own words and actions, are the people God is using to comfort and heal me. The letters, phone calls, text messages and e-mails. The hugs and the I love you. When they come from my children the are so powerful. They mean so much. I receive them and take them to heart. I have a voicemail from my son that I have saved since November 13, 2006. He just said he loved and missed me and had been thinking about me a lot lately. No other reason for the call. That means so much to me. I replay that message often. Especially on those dark days. I have letters from both of them telling me how much they love me. I read them often.

Recently I have been really struggling with some serious personal issues. I find it easy to get swallowed in the darkness of doubt and depression. Anger, bitterness, rage and resentment controlled me at times. My wife has encouraged me, supported me and prayed for me through all off this. She always has been there through all my issues in life. But when your child comes to comfort you and pray for you, something in the depths of your heart changes. It's as if your own little personal angel is pulling down a little piece of heaven for you. I could share many examples but here is a recent e-mail from my daughter.

Daddy,

I know that your spirit is heavy these days & I wish I could be there with you to encourage you daily & lighten your burdens. I do know, though, that the God of all Light and Goodness and Truth is faithful to us, even when we cannot feel His presence. He is with you and He is working in your life now just as much as He was when you were on a spiritual high. Even our feelings were corrupted by the fall & so they can be deceiving to us--regardless of how you feel, God is always good and always present and always loving. All things in your life have been sifted through His hands of love. I am praying for you even now—that He will comfort you, be your Prince of Peace, and place His mouth over your ears so that you might hear only His still small voice, whispering His promises to you. When you feel hopeless, like this blanket of despair may never be lifted, remember that Christ has already won the victory for you & that you will inherit all the riches of His grace, including a garment of praise. Joy and peace and hope are ahead. I love you, and I am very grateful for you. Keep holding on. I know it’s hard.

Jill

My children aren't gifts. They are my blessings. I love you guys so much. Thank you for loving me. Thank you God for sharing your blessings with me. I can only pray that my words and actions towards my children would bless them to the degree that theirs bless me.